MAD MUSING: The Celestial Explorators!

Taken from the minutes of the CCCCLXIXth meeting of
The Society of Celestial Explorators

9th day of Septober, Year of Our Lord 1865.

“Lunarium”
Submitted by the learned James P. Honeyhams:

It was a blustery night when I sat with my drinking glass brimming with grenadine and nestled myself into the studies that so occupy my hours. My friends and colleagues I must tell you this was no ordinary night of nocturnal reflection of the luminous orbs that haunt our endeavors and drive our will henceforth.

Upon my fifth tumbler of grenadine I chanced my eye upon an aerie world of unlimited wonder. It appeared as if by fickle chance as I sneezed directly onto my delicate looking apparatus. The next moment I steadied my optical orb on the lens I was confronted with globular mass aloft in the heavens. It seemed to me the most peculiar thing I have ever witnessed in my nightly ventures. Not unlike the moon, the shape seemed to glow with an uncanny off-white hue. Indeed, it most nearly looked green and milky. Colleagues, you should think that I had gone mad, but the moment I steered the shaft of my televisor to anther location the strange planet followed as if it were as mobile as a bird! It seemed to always stay in my field of vision, no matter where I spun the looking glass. Yet, when I tried to locate the queer satellite with my own naked eye, it was nowhere to be found! It was a world most curious and it flitted about the sky like a sparrow.

I will now conjecture the inhabitants of this realm to the extent of my knowledge of biology and my thorough studying of the terrain and geoformations of the planet. I have christen my discovery 'Lunarium' due to its uncanny likeness to the moon. The inhabitant are therefor, naturally, called 'Lunarians' and I surmise that they must be made out of some jelly like substance not unlike our orange marmalade. This is simply the only way these creatures can survive the intense velocity in which their planet soars through space! It is most probably that these creatures are signaling for help. I imagine their chief (some massive glob of ooze) has adopted the same form of socialism that is currently plaguing our great nation. If Marx or Morris ever so had a star in mould of their designs this would certainly be the one.

I believe they stay in my field of vision for sole purpose of letting themselves be know to me. This assumes the knowledge that their movement is entirely automated, thus allowing them to steer through the heavens like a man might punt down the Thames! Somehow one of the steadfast capitalist oozes has gotten a hold of the rudder and is making a desperate plea for liberty! It is most unfortunate, for as far as I can scientifically discern, their society revolves around cannibalism. As more of these slime creatures spawns from the film they are immediately harvested and added to the great jelly pot of the collective! What a nightmare, my friends, a nightmare most horrid and foul.
I simply will be unable to consume jellies or jams for some time now. My wife returned and I bid her to bed. My grenadine cabinet was nearly emptied and I stared through the glass for some time before falling asleep in the chair of my study. Dreams of 'Lunarium' and the socialist 'Lunarians' danced through my head and I fancied myself to be among them. I was fighting for the valiant capitalist uprising at the center of their gooey world! A bold Lord Nelson at the helm of a sinking war ship!

I submit to you my report for archiving,
sincerely,

James P. Honeyhams.


A response, care of Gaylord Buttmouth, 4th Baron of Buttmouthshire.

My most esteemed and learned collegues,

Prepousterous!

Based on the extensive diagrams Master Honeyhams has detailed of the Lunarian canal netwourk I must insist that no being so fourmed of marmalade is capable of the counstruction of such souphisticated locks and channels.

No my friends, I fear Master Honeyhams has contracted a bout of hysteria from his wife, for after reviewing the charts tendered by Master Honeyhams to this most noble intellectual body, I settled into my explorinarium to deduce the reality of the Lunarian fatherworld and brought to light the shoucking truth!

Upon completing my nightly libation of absinthe with a tincture of mercuric chloride, I began to dissect, with great attentiveness, no less than one hundred and thirty four specimens of marmalade's, jellies, jams, preserves, chutneys, curds, butters, puddings and spreads. So engaged was I in this great work I very nearly fourgot to ingest my radium supplement.

The results I have included here speak for themselves! Not only do Jellies and marmalade's lack the mental fourtitude to craft waterways, they simply do not have the physical fourtitude to withstand the great speeds at which Lunarium traverses the heavens.

I fourmally submit that Lunarians are not compoused of ooze, but instead take form after the avian falcon, well known as being the swiftest of God’s creations.

Submitted for your most ebullient scholarly review,

Baron Gaylord Buttmouth.


A response, care of Sir Wilfred E.S. Quartermaine, CVO, OBE, MC, BSc, BIBAYBoY:

My fellow gentlemen and scholars,

I’m afraid I must concur with the judgment of my noble colleague and compatriot and aver that the majority of Mr. Honeyhams’ pronouncements are the ramblings of an unctuous, nescient poetaster and I must agree that, peradventure, Mr. Honeyhams has had a bout of nepenthean grenadine-induced afflatus.

Upon my own plenilunary pernoctation I can confirm the presence of a multitude of gelatinous and alluring beings and, while I agree that they likely lack the mental and physical fortitude necessary to assemble such society as that described by Mr. Honeyhams, as I sank back into my explorinarium’s gilded televisor’s chair last night, relaxing with a new shipment of fine-ground Opiated snuff fresh from the Oxidental Orient, I was struck with the notion that they may lack the fortitude to even conceive of their own political and social orders, let alone a Utopian Socialist society, casting further doubt upon Mr. Honeyhams’ scholarly notes.

In contradistinction to the magnanimous Baron Buttmouth, I do not consider the notion that these Lunarians are to take after any aerie-dwelling raptors we may now be familiar with, attributing this queerly, yet plainly, erroneous theory to some particularly foul mundungus; although I do concede that falcons are among the swiftest and noblest of the Almighty’s creations; however, I am no falconer, certainly not of our beloved baron’s stature, having only recently been trained as an avocational austringer.

Forgive my digression, but I shall now conclude by saying that, when the appropriate turn comes, I shall move to have Mr. Honeyhams’ observations expurgated from the minutes of this honorable body of learned men.

Tendered for your enlightened consideration,

Sir Wilfred E.S. Quartermaine, CVO, OBE, MC, BSc, BIBAYBoY