JIAN: But to be fair, Batman IS frakking awesome in this!
GROOG: Fire and Ice is basically a twisted, drug induced night-phantasm of Frank Frazetta after watching two straight weeks of nothing but porn. Let me explain:
GROOG: After you see the amazingly detailed ass grab you can stop watching. This is basically 95% of the movie. Oh yeah, and the naked guy? He's the hero of our epic yarn.
JIAN: That's a rotoscoped ass grab! Again, to be fair, no one in Frazetta's world wears clothes! He drew Conan and Red Sonja, Vampirella, Dejah Thoris... Not a stitch of fabric in the bunch!
GROOG: The film starts with some scenes explaining the 'story'. Then the evil wizard Nekron proceeds to spray ice magic all over everything...
JIAN: Everything = men in loincloths.
GROOG: It's like a 5 minute long animated money shot.
"...and still Nekron pushed the ice ever southward..." - Yeah, they really say this...
JIAN: I had my doubts when the evil pict monkey men totally abandoned that slave girl they were about to get freaky with and chased the naked guy for slo-mo ass grabs!
GROOG: Just to even things out they give her equal attention in the ass-grab department. Eventually the two naked kids meet up and play around in the wilderness killing tentacle monsters.
JIAN: I wish more stores had ass-grab departments. And despite all of my esteemed collegue's hyperbole there's actually NO nudity in this at all. It's strictly side-boob level.
GROOG: Here's one touching scene with some dialog:
Guy: "Cold comes from Nekron." Babe: "I know."
GROOG: This is just a sample of some of the amazing scriptwriting throughout the movie's ten or twelve sentences. Anyways, the romance blossoms as they both agree that cold does indeed come from Nekron. Then this guy appears and pretty much fucks everything up with an axe:
"MOTHAFUCKA!"
GROOG: His name is Darkwolf but they might as well call him Batman.
JIAN: DUDE, he is absolutely Batman! And not just in the looks department, which is next to the ass-grab department.
GROOG: He basically runs around and murders people while screaming.
JIAN: Like 90 people!
GROOG: Then he invents useless shit and thinks up strategies in his 'bat cave' which is an actual bat cave. It doesn't really matter though, because he only ends up killing everything with an axe anyways.
JIAN: DUDE, he is absolutely Batman! And not just in the looks department, which is next to the ass-grab department.
GROOG: He basically runs around and murders people while screaming.
JIAN: Like 90 people!
GROOG: Then he invents useless shit and thinks up strategies in his 'bat cave' which is an actual bat cave. It doesn't really matter though, because he only ends up killing everything with an axe anyways.
GROOG: Oh yeah, and he's always tying the naked guy to the ground:
"Funny. I don't remember going to sleep with my arms bound to a carcass."
GROOG: Why? Because Prehistoric Batman doesn't trust anyone. And also because Mr. Frazetta thought there was way too much boobies in the last hour and now it's back to some good old male bondage scenes. I mean, why does he even bother wearing the boots?
GROOG: The movie eventually ends. The writers just let Batman finish off Nekron because the naked couple is too busy getting molested by everything.
JIAN: It's really weird and breaks every rule of movie storytelling ever... The blonde guy with the hot lady-friend we've been following for 75 minutes gets lost in a cave, and Batman comes out of nowhere and just one-shots the last boss with an axe!
JIAN: It's really weird and breaks every rule of movie storytelling ever... The blonde guy with the hot lady-friend we've been following for 75 minutes gets lost in a cave, and Batman comes out of nowhere and just one-shots the last boss with an axe!
GROOG: Spoiler alert: Batman is awesome.
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